I have a habit of littering my Gmail drafts folder with half-written blogs. I came across this again. I only wrote it a month ago, and I'm already feeling it again:
I've been away from The First Space for a while now. Even before my last visit, I'd very actively disengaged from what they were doing. The main reason I gave myself was that I spent an awful lot of time doing nothing in a cold warehouse while surfing the internet on a very old and underpowered laptop.
But I realised there was more to it than that. I was starved of queerness.
Here's a random example. Last month, I was feeling that sort of drained feeling that I associate with depression. The sort where you have some energy to do stuff with, but everything seems so pointless. I was stressing to the hilt about work, which didn't help, and I'd barely seen friends, which really didn't help. But I settled down one night into Netflix and watched 2 movies that were due to expire. One of them was called Concussion, about a lesbian housewife who gets bored and turns to sex work. The other was a film with Jim Carrey called "I love you Philip Morris", which turned out to be based on a true story about a conman. With a slow start-cringe-stop dripfeed of the stories into my brain, I found myself feeling a lot better. These were stories in which I could find nucleation points of reality. My lived experiences weren't there, but they were closer to what I'd had. I was able to understand the constraints that were there.
That got me going back to actual live spaces where there was queerness. And that's a hell of a lot better for my head.
So, note to self - more queer spaces.