I was talking job-stuff with an old friend. She's been in the forever-job market longer than I have, and she's landed in some places I can only dream of. She was venting about decisions ahead of her, and I told her something like, "You know how sentimental I am, but I've found I have to be very mercenary in this instance". Then later, I explained my fun-but-blunt manner with my managers, as in I could see myself saying, "You have a month before I become actively hostile".

After, I paused. Because... I honestly don't know if I am any more. I've had to be more and more mercenary with more and more things. And it makes me wonder if that's something that's mismatching now.

I still view myself as sentimental, but am I the only one who does?
Writing an apology for something that might just be your head overthinking is hard. It's hard not to overqualify anything, because if it's not in your head, you don't want to downplay it. Sometimes this human thing is hard.


Sep. 15th, 2017 02:08 pm
So after a lot of radio silence and a blog post I can't finish for a goddamn month, here I am... hopefully.

The gist is, I'm wrecked, and am severely overdue for a holiday.

The bigger gist )


Jul. 16th, 2017 09:20 pm
Got back to drumming last Friday. It made a nice change from all the leaving drinks in work.

Then we went for drinks. Then as the night went on, and I walked home with someone, we got talking about R. It turns out R has tried it on with at least one other in the circle.

There's this weird mixed feeling when you finally trade notes with someone, and you find you've had a similar experience with someone.

It's not a happy feeling, because it means someone else is in this vortex of bullshit.

But it's not really a sad feeling, because you have company. Neither of us are that put out, but we want to find out who else has had to put up with this.

I'm not sure how to end this, but it's nice to know I have company.
So in the work slack, the :quack: emoji is being used in some discussions1. It's shorthand for "Duck and roll", the advice from the old hands to the newbies.

This week, our CEO announced the layoffs through a mail to the billable engineers that their jobs were safe. What was left unsaid was that anyone else was in danger. We find out on Tuesday who the unlucky twelve are. They get Statutory redundancy terms.

Anyway, that leaves a whole chunk of the company practically shitting themselves with fear. It's understandable. I was there when I worked for Sun... multiple times. That's why I'm planning on dropping the duck roll. I've been a survivor of layoffs too often, and I know what it's going to look like.

I spent most of my time in the pub on Friday talking folks down. I'm battle-hardened at this, but I remember that in Sun, they at least had the fucking courtesy to tell everyone, "Be sensitive about this issue, it can affect other people a lot more than it affects you". Here, our CEO told us to talk to our managers, who have been told that they're not safe. There goes any sense of sensitivity. Oh, and did I mention that the managers didn't know that this mail had gone out to their direct reports? Yeah, real fucking sensitive.

Oh, leave that aside from the fact that all the "safe" people in our org were added to a mailing list, and we could all see the members. Then more than one set of people realised they could diff the members of that list, vs the lists they were already members of.

So, this is an utter, slow-moving, honking, clown-fuck of a situation.

And it was fucking heart-breaking talking to someone who'd been there for 5 years, when I asked her, "Is this your first rodeo?"2, and to see a sad, faint nod... and fuck. Thankfully, someone whose seen more rodeos than I have came in and told her this, "You'll almost definitely be OK this round. But when you survive a cut, something happens to you. You start to think that what you're doing isn't good enough to make the next round. And if you let that inside your head, it's incredibly damaging, because it hurts your confidence, and your ability, and then you fail interviews because you lack confidence, and then you just hit a spiral. Do whatever you need to not let it get to you."

And when it said that, it reminded me of how I was in Sun. How hard it was for me to get a job. And it explains why I just want to run now that I've heard the news.

And it makes sense.

I'm also sad and angry because I don't know if any of my reporting lines will survive. This doesn't affect most engineering staff because they're all in the same building, but I'm on a customer site, and I need that little line connecting me to the home office, and I think they'll all be gone soon.

I'm afraid of it all boiling down to just being the CEO's old mates again, making the same decisions they made year after year that got us to this place, and thinking that this is progress.

It. Fucking. Sucks.

I intend to polish up my CV tomorrow. I already have leads, and I plan to follow them while I still have time.

1 For once, that particular emoji-pun wasn't my doing.

2 I didn't know how to ask it more subtly.

Not Just

May. 26th, 2017 12:10 am
I think I'm unhappiest when I forget I'm Not Just.

I'm Not Just a geek. I'm Not Just a trans woman. I'm Not Just a Queer. I'm Not Just someone spouting filthy jokes, and puns.

I'm Not Just,
Not Just,
Not Just. Not fucking Just.

I'm never the one aspect. I'm never all aspects. But I'm less happy the more I'm Just, and less Not Just.

I need the space and time to be Not Just.

And I thank my friends that allow me that.
I have a habit of littering my Gmail drafts folder with half-written blogs. I came across this again. I only wrote it a month ago, and I'm already feeling it again:

I've been away from The First Space for a while now. Even before my last visit, I'd very actively disengaged from what they were doing. The main reason I gave myself was that I spent an awful lot of time doing nothing in a cold warehouse while surfing the internet on a very old and underpowered laptop.

But I realised there was more to it than that. I was starved of queerness.

Here's a random example. Last month, I was feeling that sort of drained feeling that I associate with depression. The sort where you have some energy to do stuff with, but everything seems so pointless. I was stressing to the hilt about work, which didn't help, and I'd barely seen friends, which really didn't help. But I settled down one night into Netflix and watched 2 movies that were due to expire. One of them was called Concussion, about a lesbian housewife who gets bored and turns to sex work. The other was a film with Jim Carrey called "I love you Philip Morris", which turned out to be based on a true story about a conman. With a slow start-cringe-stop dripfeed of the stories into my brain, I found myself feeling a lot better. These were stories in which I could find nucleation points of reality. My lived experiences weren't there, but they were closer to what I'd had. I was able to understand the constraints that were there.

That got me going back to actual live spaces where there was queerness. And that's a hell of a lot better for my head.

So, note to self - more queer spaces.


May. 10th, 2017 09:05 pm
So, 3 days later, and that went better than expected.

I think I misjudged just how burned out everyone seems to be. I thought I was stirring the shit (by explicitly saying that Tog The Business was a thing that existed), but it seems others came out and agreed.

And everyone seems down for a Closed Social.

It feels weird posting there and not getting shouted at.

A smile...

Apr. 18th, 2017 01:10 am
I was shopping around town today. I ended up in Brown Thomas, and looking at the makeup in MAC.

When I was looking at the lipsticks, one of the assistants came up and told me it was cool to try it on. For some reason, in the headspace I was in, I thought she was asking me not to try the lipstick on the back of my hand. I told her that it was ok, but thanks.

As I was wandering around, I saw someone who was probably a teenager (like still in school), and coded as male, wandering around trying on lipsticks.

I hope my face didn't seem cold to the kid, but I was just majorly impressed with the whole situation - a kid unafraid to sample the wares, and a staff that were cool with it. (Also, the kid tried a dark shade that really suited them)

Anyway, I left the place with a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart. It was pretty awesome.
It's not the first time around this mill.

My last blog was meant to be fresh, unsullied and techy... I didn't post much there.

Let's see what I do with this one.

I'll try a haiku, for pure pretentiousness

Not my first time here;
The last time was the first time.
Confusing, innit?



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